QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME????
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”, but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
4. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
18. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn’t he just buy dinner?
19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
20. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
21. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
22. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
23. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
24. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
You know, I really try to think shit up to write instead of blogging this stuff, but what I really have to say is just so much more depressing. This is much funner!!!
This one is not all that funny, but I
truly found it interesting.
THE GINGHAM DRESS A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.
"We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him!
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed.
My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.
"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent.
The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it cost to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? "
Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to
Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them. ---- A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes
This made me think of Violet. It makes you think twice about what you say to your little ones, I know it does me.
~~~ A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
~~~ A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
~~~ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
~~~ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
I have a few others, but I can't spoil all the fun in one post.
I hope all are doing well and I'm sure I'll see
ya's later.
Peace out.
